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bill
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Joined: February 3rd, 2018, 3:36 pm

Jokes

#1

Post by bill » February 4th, 2018, 5:14 pm

A woman, standing nude, looks in the bedroom mirror and says to her husband, "I feel horrible, I look fat and ugly. Pay me a compliment."
Her husband replies, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
He never heard the shot....

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bill
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#2

Post by bill » February 4th, 2018, 5:16 pm

A beautiful blonde walks up to a craps table. She bets ten thousand on one roll of the dice.

She says, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel luckier when I'm nude."

She strips down and rolls the dice. When she sees the dice she jumps for joy screaming "I won! I won!"

She hugs the dealers, takes her winnings and leaves.

Finally, one of the dealers asks, "What did she roll?"

The other says, "I thought you were watching!"

It goes to show: Not all blondes are dumb, but men will always be men.

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bill
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#3

Post by bill » February 4th, 2018, 5:20 pm

A Cocker Spaniel, a Poodle and a Great Dane found themselves in the waiting room at the veterinary office.

Spaniel to the Poodle: "Why are you in here?"

Poodle: "Well, I peed in the house one too many times, and my owners have decided it was time to put me to sleep.

Why are you here?"

Spaniel: "I've got a very bad temper, and I the other day I bit two of the neighbor's kids. So, my owners are having me put to sleep too."

He turns to the Great Dane and asks, "Why are you here?"

Great Dane: "Well my owner is a beautiful blonde who walks around the house all day in the nude. Yesterday I couldn't take it any more and when she was on her knees doing something on the floor, I mounted her."

Spanial: "So, why are you here?"

Great Dane: "I have to get my nails clipped."

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bill
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#4

Post by bill » February 4th, 2018, 8:34 pm

A drill instructor was yelling at a new recruit. He was all up in this guy's face, their noses less than an inch apart.

He screamed at the recruit, "You hate me don't you?!?"

The recruit responded as calmly as possible, "Sir, no sir."

The instructor yelled back, "You're going to unrinate on my grave if you outlive me, aren't you?!?"

The recruit retorted, "Sir, no way. When I get out of the service, I will not wait in line for anything! Sir."

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bill
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#5

Post by bill » February 4th, 2018, 8:40 pm

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down.

The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him.

The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath. "Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork.

As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

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bill
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#6

Post by bill » February 5th, 2018, 12:31 pm

In anivy leage college classroom, they were discussing the qualifications to be President of the United States .

It was pretty simple - the candidate must be a natural born citizen of at least 35 years of age.

However, one blonde in the class immediately started in on how unfair was the requirement to be a natural born citizen. In short, her opinion was that this requirement prevented many capable individuals from becoming president.

The class was taking it in and letting her rant...

but everyone's jaw hit the floor when she wrapped up her argument by stating, 'What makes a natural born citizen any more qualified to lead this country than one born by C-section?'

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bill
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#7

Post by bill » February 5th, 2018, 12:35 pm

What my mother taught me...

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE .
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL .
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM .
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

My mother taught me about PATIENCE.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION .
"Stop acting like your father!"

My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
" Just wait until we get home."

My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, They are going to freeze that way."

My mother taught me ESP .
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
" Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

And my favorite : my mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"

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bill
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#8

Post by bill » February 5th, 2018, 12:37 pm

President Trump was awakened one night by an urgent call from the Pentagon.

"Mr. President," said the four-star general, barely able to contain himself, "there's good news & bad news."

"Oh, no," muttered the President, "Well, let me have the bad news first."

"The bad news, sir, is that we've been invaded by creatures from another planet."

"Gosh, and the good news?"

"The good news, sir, is that they eat reporters and pee oil."

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bill
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#9

Post by bill » February 5th, 2018, 12:39 pm

Two couples had gone away for the weekend.

The two guys, Jack and Brad, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night.

After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Jock not knowing this makes him smile.

The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking,

Jock takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

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bill
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#10

Post by bill » February 5th, 2018, 12:41 pm

Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other. Sandy approached and asked if she was all right. The girl said she was. A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself. Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?" The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously. Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?" "Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

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#11

Post by TheButcher » February 6th, 2018, 1:37 pm

What do you call a cheap circumcision

A rip-off.

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bill
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#12

Post by bill » February 6th, 2018, 2:13 pm

A blonde and a brunette got stuck in an elevator..

Blonde starts shouting: "HELP! HELP!"

Brunette turns to her and says: "We should shout together."

Blonde: "TOGETHER! TOGETHER!"

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bill
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#13

Post by bill » February 6th, 2018, 4:54 pm

Little Johnny likes to gamble.

One day his dad gets a new job so his family has to move to a new city.

Johnny's daddy thinks, "I'll get a head start on Johnny's gambling."

So he calls the teacher and says, "My son Johnny will be starting your class tomorrow but he likes to gamble so you'll have to keep an eye on him."

The teacher says OK, she can handle it.

The next day Johnny walks into class and hands the teacher an apple and says, "Hi, my name is Johnny."

She says yes I know who you are.

Johnny smiles and says, "I bet you ten dollars you've got a mole on your butt."

The teacher thinks that she will break his little gambling problem so she takes him up on the bet.

She pulls her pants down and shows him her butt and there was no mole.

That afternoon, Johnny goes home and tells his dad that he lost ten dollars to the teacher and why.

So his dad calls the teacher and says, "Johnny said that he bet you that you had a mole on your butt and he lost."

The teacher says, "Yeah, and I think I broke his gambling problem."

Johnny's dad laughs and says, "No you didn't, he bet me a hundred dollars this morning that he'd see your ass before the day was over."

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bill
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#14

Post by bill » February 6th, 2018, 4:56 pm

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods.

Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND...."

Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy...."

At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "Then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."

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bill
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#15

Post by bill » February 6th, 2018, 5:03 pm

Little Johnny awoke one night to hear strange noises coming from his parents bedroom. When he opened the door his dad was on his mom naked . He said"Dad what are you and mom doing? His dad told him "I'm parking my car in yours mom's garage. Go back to bed."

Well the next day, the girl next door came over to play with johnny. He said " I have a new game for us to play." what's it called the girl replied . It's called parking the car . Wanna try it he said. Sure said the little girl.

Well Johnny tells her how to play and they get off to a good start. A few minutes later all you can here is little Johnny screaming . His mom rushes into the room and says" what the hell is going on here? . The girl tries her best to explain. She said "You see we were playing park the car and johnny got his car all most all the way in. The back tires wouldnt fit so I cut them off!

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